A love letter to my people

I don't even know where to start to be honest. For very many boring unimportant reasons I stopped talking to everyone I knew when I left school. I suppose I didn't really feel worthy of meaningful relationships, romantic or platonic. I've always been close to my sister Amie, and my cousins (more like sisters) Jemma and Kaitlyn, and I wasn't even really speaking to them. After Tommy was born though they forced their way back into my life and through them I gained self assurance I was, despite what I had made myself believe, was deserving of being appreciated.

So to backtrack a little bit when I first got pregnant my parents ran into my old primary school teacher, Mrs Smith, (my favourite primary teacher) and when they told her my good news she found me online and told me about her granddaughter, Nicole. This stunning girl the same age as me with a new baby girl, Jasmine. I was TERRIFIED to reach out to her, so we were social media mutuals for a longggg time. After Tommy was born I reached out and asked her to be my lash tech. After that first lash appointment we never looked back. We were meeting up multiple times a week with the kids or just us. I truly can not imagine my life without Nicole. She now has two beautiful girls who I very much consider my nieces and I very much consider her Tommy's auntie. 

Through my friendship with Nicole and my close bond with my sister and cousins I found the strength to do motherhood alone. I never would have left my ex if I didn't have those phenomenal women holding my hand. Now credit where credit is due I also very luckily had my parents passionately backing me and I wouldn't be where I am now without them, particularly my mum. 

Reaching out to old friends has been a source of great happiness this year too. I started with my friends Cam and Jenny then old school friends. The last person I reached out to was freya. I was so scared she would hate me, we met when we were 12 and in the same scout group (howden howlers for life) and we were as close as close can be. I thought she'd hate me for disappearing off the face of the earth without a word. When I was explaining this fear to our friend Ellis in the local spoons one night he secretly text her to come along. We had an emotional reunion, a veryyyyy long catch up and we picked up right where we left off. We have one of those nothing is too TMI friendships, there is no such thing as gross with us. This got even worse when she got pregnant. Every detail was discussed. She now has baby Logan, clearly people around me can't help but get pregnant! My school friend Viki and I also reconnected this year and that girl will always have a place in my heart. I have so much time for her, she saw me through my emo phase, that's a true friendship. It melts my heart to see how warm she is to Tommy, she has a heart of gold. 

February of this year my brother turned 21 and my granny, being the legend she is, persuaded him to let me come along so his celebratory night out. I did not think I would gel with his friends whatsoever. I hadn't seen them since school and quite frankly I just saw them as my annoying big brothers weird friends. I was so nervous I felt like my chest would explode. I'd never been in a social situation like that before. I was terrified they'd only see me as my brothers irritating little sister who used to terrorise them back in primary school (sorry guys). But it seems every star aligned, and despite all my fears, they're my people now too. These guys have seen me at my very best and my very worst, they've listened to my moaning and grumbling, they've been more to me than I can articulate. I don't think they realise how badly I needed them in my life and how much it means to me that they welcomed me with open arms. It's made my bond with my brother much stronger and if you knew us growing up you'd know nobody ever predicted we'd be friends, but these days he's one of my closest. The other week one of them pulled me aside on a night out and told me in more to this group than just Finlay's little sister and honestly i've been on cloud 9 ever since. I love my drunken heart to hearts with them, I love how they make me feel like I don't have to change a single thing about myself. I love knowing that when one of us has a hard day we can meet up or go for a drive and talk till we feel better. We are all certified yappers so it's a match made in heaven. 

Starting college my friend horizons grew even more when I met Danny and Moss. We've only known each other a brief time but I consider them some of my nearest and dearest already. Sometimes when you meet people you just click perfectly. 

So the point of this post is this. I spent the majority of my life a very lonely person and I changed who I was to fit in with whoever I was hanging out because I craved that sense of belonging, but I met my people when I least expected it. I know when I'm having an anxious day Ellie and Maria will take me to the beach. I know when I need my girls I can have a three hour FaceTime with Kaitlyn, Jemma and Amie. When I need to be young and stupid I have Fergus and Finnan (the three musketeers) and when I need a drunk heart to heart I can go to any of them. I of course can't sit and name all my friends in this post, but you all know your importance to me (because I'm a very sentimental drunk and tell everybody I love them) Finding your people is a great achievement and one I am most grateful for. Finding your inner circle is finding your safe place. To me, it's far more important than finding a romantic love. These pure forms of love without any ulterior motive are so special, don't take them for granted. I could go the rest of my life without another romantic relationship, maybe I'm pessimistic about love, I'm probably biased because I've had such spectacularly awful luck in my love life. But I would not survive one single week without my friendships. These relationships are the pillars of my life, without which I would crumble.