The post baby body

I was so unprepared for how much having a baby would change my body. EVERYTHING GOT BIGGER. Tits and ass were fabulous, the rest not so much. One of the main reasons I’ve been struggling this year is because I just can’t accept this new body of mine. Even though this body grew a whole person. It was my son’s home for forty one weeks and a day. It done its job perfectly and I’m grateful it grew me a healthy baby boy but simultaneously I resent it for not 'bouncing back'. 

I carry such immense guilt for hating the body that grew my boy, but there truly is no other word. It’s a hatred. It’s so much easier said than done to accept your post baby body. Everything changes when you have a baby, your mind is all consumed by if they’re okay, are they eating, are they pooing. So. Many. Thoughts. About. Poo. It’s hard to feel like you’re even a person at all. You forget you’re human. And then on top of not having a single thought to yourself, your body doesn’t even look or feel like your own anymore. 

I’ve been improving my body image slowly but surely. Big emphasis on slowly. But we’re not all running the same race, and we have to take it at our own paces. I’ve been going to personal training for about 8 months now, and noticing changes in my body as a result has been so amazing. Not just that but noticing my strength and stamina improving makes me feel SO POWERFUL. Like I could move mountains. My trainer is amazing and really encourages me to celebrate the non scale victories, and being able to have a laugh while you're being tortured in the gym makes a difference too. I can't count how many times I tell him I hate his guts during leg day. 

Now all this being said, having a healthy imagine of my body has never been a blessing of mine. I spent the majority of my high school years struggling with bulimia. Sometimes I still look at pictures from me at that time and miss the body I had, but I remind myself of how I got it and I know it's wrong to miss it. It's very daunting trying to lose weight in a healthy way when you've recovered from an eating disorder, it's easy to slip back into that mindset of being obsessed with the number of the scale. It's not easy, that's why I have such a strong resentment for the influencer mummy's and celebs who pressure us to 'bounce back'. YOU GREW A HUMAN BEING OF COURSE YOUR BODY HAS CHANGED. And what these influencer/ celeb mums don't tell you is they have a team on doctors, personal trainers, nanny's and nutritionists helping them! The average new mum is lucky if she get's 10 minutes a day to herself, so please cut yourself some slack. The only reason I'm able to get into the gym at all is because Tommy and I live with my parents so once he goes to sleep I can leave the house. If we had our own place your damn right  I wouldn't have the time to get in the gym. 

Stretchmarks, cellulite, weight gain it's all part of the baby package. Not to mention those of us who struggled with pregnancy/ post partum hair loss, acne etc. It may feel shit but it's NORMAL. So, to hell with those who say it's easy to accept a post baby body, and an even bigger fuck you to those who contribute to 'bounce back' culture. Experiencing the full spectrum of emotions and insecurities is what makes us human.